Going back to school after the summer holidays can bring a mixture of excitement and nerves. New teachers, classrooms, routines and expectations take time to adjust to for any child. But for children with Special Educational Needs and Disabilities (SEND), returning to school can feel particularly overwhelming.
For some children, those first few weeks involve far more than ordinary back-to-school nerves. School can require an enormous amount of physical, emotional and cognitive effort.
A child may be managing noise, crowds, changing classrooms, social expectations, difficult work, uncomfortable clothing, sensory overload and the constant pressure to behave in the way expected of them.
For children with autism, ADHD, dyslexia, sensory differences and other additional needs, seemingly ordinary parts of the school day can therefore become exhausting.
As a parent, it can be difficult to know what is a normal settling-in period, what might indicate that your child is struggling, and most importantly, what you can actually do to help.
Back-to-School Anxiety Doesn’t Always Look Like Anxiety
We tend to imagine an anxious child as one who tells us they are worried. In reality, especially for children with SEND, anxiety can present in lots of different ways.
You might notice:
Difficulty sleeping or waking during the night
Tummy aches or headaches before school
Refusing to get dressed or leave the house
Increased irritability or anger
Meltdowns after school
Becoming unusually quiet or withdrawn
Needing much more reassurance
Difficulty eating
Increased sensory sensitivities
Becoming more rigid about routines
Frequently asking what will happen tomorrow
Saying they hate school without being able to explain why
Sometimes these behaviours are easiest to spot at home rather than at school.
“But They’re Fine When They’re Here”
Something SEND parents can hear a lot from school. You might hear that your child is quiet, polite, completing their work and coping well at school. Then they walk through the front door and everything falls apart.
They might cry, shout, retreat to their bedroom, argue about tiny things or refuse to do anything. A request as simple as putting their shoes away can suddenly result in an enormous reaction.
Before assuming the behaviour itself is the problem, consider how much energy your child has spent getting through the school day.
Some children mask their difficulties at school. They work extremely hard to follow instructions, manage sensory discomfort, navigate social situations and keep their emotions contained.
Home is often where they finally feel safe enough to release everything they’ve been holding in.
So when school says, “We don’t see that behaviour here,” it doesn’t mean the difficulty isn’t real. Both school and home may simply be seeing different parts of the same child’s experience.
What Is Actually Making School Difficult?
When a child repeatedly says, “I don’t want to go to school,” it’s tempting to focus on getting them through the school gates.
But a more useful question is:
What happens after they get through them? School anxiety can have many causes.
A child may be struggling academically and constantly worrying that somebody will notice. A dyslexic child, for example, might dread being asked to read aloud or feel embarrassed about the speed of their written work.
A child with ADHD might spend the day trying desperately to sit still, remember instructions, organise equipment and avoid being told off.
An autistic child may find unpredictable changes, social communication, noise or transitions particularly difficult. For another child, the main problem might be sensory.
Think about school from their perspective: bells ringing, hundreds of children moving through corridors, chairs scraping, fluorescent lighting, shouting in the playground, smells in the dining hall and the sensation of a shirt collar, tie or PE kit. What seems like an ordinary school day to one child can feel completely overwhelming to another.
Sometimes the Hardest Parts Aren’t Lessons
Parents naturally focus on academic work but some SEND children find the less structured parts of school much harder.
Breaktime and lunchtime can involve noise, crowds, complicated friendships and unwritten social rules.
Changing for PE might mean managing clothing, organisation, sensory discomfort and being surrounded by other children. Moving between classrooms involves transitions. Assemblies involve sitting still in a crowded room. Even getting to school can be difficult.
Breaking the day into smaller pieces can help you discover where anxiety is actually coming from.
Become a Detective, Not Just a Fixer
When your child says, “School is horrible,” your natural instinct might be to reassure them.
“Tomorrow will be better.”
“Don’t worry.”
“Everyone gets nervous.”
But reassurance doesn’t always tell us what is wrong.
Instead, get curious.
Try asking:
“Which part of the day would you get rid of if you could?”
“What’s the noisiest part of school?”
“When do you feel most comfortable?”
“Who do you feel safe talking to?”
“Was there a time today when you wanted to leave?”
“If I could change one thing about tomorrow, what would you choose?”
For children who find it difficult to identify or verbalise emotions, try something visual instead. Draw the school day together and colour activities green for okay, amber for difficult and red for really difficult. You may discover that school isn’t the whole problem.
It might be maths after lunch, the noisy dining hall, PE changing rooms, a tricky friendship. When you know exactly what’s upsetting them you have something to work with.
Try to look underneath what your child is saying
“My teacher hates me.”
Ask what happens that makes them feel this way. Are they frequently corrected for talking, forgetting equipment, moving around or not starting work quickly enough?
“Everyone hates me.”
Explore friendships without immediately saying, “Of course they don’t.” Has something happened at lunchtime? Are they struggling to interpret other children’s behaviour?
“The work is stupid.”
Could the work actually feel too difficult, too easy, overwhelming or embarrassing?
“My tummy hurts.”
Anxiety can produce very real physical symptoms. Look at when the tummy aches happen and whether they disappear at weekends or during holidays.
“I don’t know.”
Believe them. Some children genuinely can’t identify why they feel overwhelmed. Observation and pattern spotting may tell you more than repeated questioning.
Protect Their Downtime
The first few weeks back at school are tiring, so try not to overload evenings and weekends. If your child has spent six hours regulating themselves at school, they may have very little capacity left afterwards.
Downtime doesn’t have to look productive. It might be Lego, gaming, drawing, bouncing on a trampoline, watching the same favourite programme repeatedly, listening to music, spending time outdoors or simply being alone.
Some children need movement to regulate. Others need silence and reduced sensory input. Try not to turn the journey home into an interview either, let them rest and recover from the school day. Offer food, drink and some breathing space. Conversation may come more easily later.
Keep Home Predictable
When school feels unpredictable, predictability at home can be reassuring. During those first few weeks, keep mornings and evenings as simple as possible. Prepare uniforms and bags the night before. Use visual timetables or checklists where helpful. Keep bedtime routines consistent and give plenty of warning before transitions.
These are small things, but reducing demands at home can leave your child with more capacity to manage the demands they can’t avoid elsewhere.
Look for Patterns
Keep a simple diary for a couple of weeks. You don’t need pages of notes. Record difficult mornings, sleep problems, physical symptoms, after-school meltdowns and anything significant your child tells you. Compare those days with their timetable. Perhaps Sundays are particularly difficult because Monday begins with assembly. Maybe Tuesdays always end in a meltdown because they have PE. Perhaps they cope well until Thursday, when accumulated exhaustion starts showing. This clues turn into ways to help and support a child more effectively.
Talk to School Early
Don’t wait until things reach crisis point. Speak to your child’s class teacher and/or SENCO and explain what you’re seeing at home.
Be specific. Instead of simply saying, “They’re anxious about school,” you could say “They’re crying every Tuesday morning and we’ve realised Tuesday is PE day.”
Or:
“School says they’re coping, but they’re coming home and spending two hours completely unable to communicate or tolerate demands.” Ask school what they’re observing too.
Small adjustments can sometimes make a significant difference. Depending on the individual child, this might include visual instructions, movement breaks, sensory aids, a quieter lunchtime space, extra processing time, help with transitions or access to a trusted adult. The aim is to identify what is preventing that child from accessing education comfortably and consider what can reasonably be changed.
When Anxiety Becomes Something More
Some nerves during the first few weeks back are totally normal but parents should seek additional support if anxiety is getting worse rather than better, physical symptoms are persistent, mornings are becoming increasingly distressed, attendance is deteriorating or family life is becoming dominated by school.
Some children experience significant school attendance difficulties, sometimes described as emotionally based school avoidance. For some children, the distress associated with school can become so significant that attending feels unmanageable. At this point, simply increasing pressure may not address the underlying problem.
Speak to school and the SENCO. Depending on the circumstances, parents may also want to seek advice from their GP and any professionals already supporting their child.
What If Your Child Needs Education to Look Different?
Sometimes the answer is additional support within mainstream school. Sometimes a child may benefit from education being delivered differently. For some families, smaller groups, greater flexibility, individualised teaching and a calmer environment can give a child the space they need to rebuild confidence in learning.
Toucan Education’s Flexi School offers a flexible alternative for children who may benefit from a different approach to learning, including children with SEND and those experiencing anxiety or school-related burnout.
For some children, having education shaped more closely around their needs can help them rediscover something that may have become lost amongst all the anxiety and worry: the enjoyment of learning.
Find out more about Toucan’s Flexi School here
Finally, try not to measure the first few weeks solely by attendance, achievement or whether your child walks happily through the school gates. Progress can look different for all children. Maybe they finally told you what’s really bothering them, or maybe they asked a teacher for help or tried a new coping strategy. Try and celebrate the small wins whatever they might be.
For children with SEND, settling into school may take longer, require different support or involve a few changes along the way. Listen to what your child is saying and what their behaviour might be saying when it’s hard to communicate. Remember that all behaviour is communication.
Sometimes small adjustments make all the difference. And sometimes exploring a different educational approach is the key to a child enjoying their learning again. The goal isn’t just to get children into school. It’s to help them feel safe, understood and able to learn once they’re there.
Find out more about Toucan Education at our website or follow us on Instagram and Facebook